英语幽默笑话
精选英语幽默笑话 写给上帝的信 A little boy needed $50 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $50. When the post office received the letter to God, USA, they decided to send it to the president. The president was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the boy a $5 bill. The president thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy. The little boy was delighted with the $5 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Washington, D.C., and, as usual, those turkeys kept $45 in taxes. 有个小男孩非常需要50美元，他为此祷告了数周但是什么也没发生。后来，他决定写封信向上帝索要这50美元。邮局接到这封信，想了想觉得还是应该交给总统比较好。总统被逗笑了，于是指示秘书寄给小男孩5美元，因为他觉得5美元对于一个小孩来讲已经是不少了。小男孩收到了钱很高兴，给上帝回了一封感谢信，信里写道：尊敬的上帝，非常感谢你把钱寄给我。然而，我发现这些钱是通过白宫寄出的，因此，和往常一样，那帮家伙收了我45美元的税。 Akimbo (叉腰) Just like most of other kids, aged two Emilia didn' t like washing hands──she' s always wiping the dirt off hands on her clothes. One day I accompanied her to have fried cicadae(蝉). Habitually she rubbed her grease fingers on her real silk short gown. I held back (阻挡) her from doing it: " What do you want to do?" She was immediately on to (意识)her blame, replied at ease(从容): " I' m akimbo." 像大多数别的小孩一样，两岁艾咪丽雅不爱洗手，吃东西弄脏手，随便在身上一抹就得了。一天我正陪她吃炸知了，她手上的油多了，便习惯地往真丝小褂子上蹭，我阻止道：“你想干什么?”她马上意识到问题所在，从容答道：“我叉腰。” 年少无知 Jimmy is three years old. 吉米3岁了。 One day, he was gazing out of the window when the night fell. He suddenly shouted, "Mum, mum, come close the window!" 一天，他正在窗口观望，夜幕降临。他突然喊道：“妈妈，妈妈，快来关窗!” "Why? It's not cold, sonny." “为什么?天不冷呀，宝贝。” "Yes, mum, but the night will come inside." “是的，妈妈，可黑夜会进来。” I don't think I know Teacher: "John, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?" John: "What do you think it is, sir?" Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!" John: "I don't think I know either, sir!" 老师：“John，动词ring的过去分词是什么?”。 约翰：“你想它是什么呢”? 老师：“我不用想，我知道!”。 约翰：“我想我不知道”。 香蕉用英语怎么说? “闺女，香蕉用英语怎么说?”“banana!”“苹果呢?”“iPhone!”“那大苹果呢?”“iPad!” Mushroom and Toadstool 蘑菇与毒蕈 Younger Scout: How can I tell the difference between a mushroom and a toadstool(毒菌) ?Older Scout: Just eat one before you go to bed. If you wake up the next morning, it was a mushroom. 年少的童子军：我怎样才能把蘑菇和毒蕈区别开呢?年长的童子军：上床前吃一个。如果你第二天早上醒来，那就是蘑菇。 我没有看到另外一块 Mother: I left two pieces of cake in the cupboard this morning, Johnny, and now there is only one piece left. Can you explain that?Johnny: Well, I suppose it was so dark that I didn’t notice the other. 妈妈：约翰尼，我今天早上在橱子里放了两块点心。现在就剩下一块了。你能解释一下吗?约翰尼：嗯，我想是因为里面太黑我没看到另外那块。 魔鬼的妹夫 A woman whose husband often came home drunk decided to cure him of the habit. One Halloween night, she put on a devil suit and hid behind a tree to intercept him on the way home. 一位妇人发现丈夫回家的时候总是烂醉如泥，她决定为丈夫治好这个毛病。一个万圣节夜里，她穿上一套魔鬼戏服，躲在树后，准备在丈夫返家时拦截他的去路。 When her husband came by, she jumped out and stood before him with her red horns, long tail, and pitchfork. 当丈夫走近时，她从树后跳出来，站到他面前，头上带着红色的羊角、身后有长长的尾巴，手中握着钢叉。 "Who are you?" he asked. “你是谁?”丈夫问到。 "I'm the Devil!" she responded. “我是魔鬼!”她回答到。 "Well, come on home with me," he said, "I married your sister!" “噢，那你跟我一起回家吧，”丈夫说，“我娶了你的姐妹!” 最丑的孩子? A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: "Ugh, that's the ugliest baby I've ever seen." 一位女士抱着她的宝宝上公交车，司机看到后说：“额，那是我这辈子见过的'最丑的小孩。” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me." The man says: "You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I'll hold your monkey for you." 女士走到车厢后面坐下，感到很愤怒。她对旁边的男士说：“司机刚刚羞辱了我。”男士回应说：“你快上去斥责他。去吧，我替你抱着你的猴子。” A Man of Actions A crowd of student was gathered on the campus of Oxford University. “You can have no doubt,” shouted a young man excitedly, “that if the Dean does not take back what he said to me this morning, I’ll leave Oxford this very evening!” A buzzing noise followed. “What a man of actions!” one said in admiration. “How should we support him and learn from him!” said another. Suddenly, a girl asked, “What did the Dean say to you, Hob?” He bent and whispered to her, “Well,er???er???Miss Rose, er???he told me to get clean away from Oxford this very evening!” 一群学生聚在牛津的校园里，一个年轻人情绪激动地叫道：“毋庸置疑，如果那个家伙不收回他今早 对我说的话，我今晚就离开牛津。” 下面一片喧哗。“真是个言出必行的人。”一个人艳羡地说。另一个说：“我们要支持他、学习他。” 突然，一个女孩问道：“那家伙对你说什么了，霍波?” 他弯下腰小声说：“哦，呃…呃…，罗斯小姐，呃…他说要我今晚从牛津滚出去。” If I Am a Manager One day in class, the teacher assigned his students to write a composition – if I Am a Manager. All the students began to write except a boy. The teacher went to him and asked the reason. “I am waiting for my secretary,” was the boy’s answer. 一天课上，老师要同学们以“如果我是一个经理”为题写一篇作文。 所有的学生都在动笔写了，只有一个男生例外。老师走过去问他为什么不写。 “我在等我的秘书”。那孩子答道。 Isn’t it wonderful? "What are you so happy about?"a woman asked the 98-year-old man. "I broke a mirror," he replied. "But that means seven years of bad luck." "I know." he said, beaming,"Isn’t it wonderful?" 这难道不好吗? “你高兴什么?”一个女士问一个98岁的老人。 “我打碎了一个镜子。”他回答。 “但那预示着7年的坏运气。” “我知道。”他高兴地说，“这难道不好吗?” ;
英语幽默笑话
英语幽默笑话（精选15篇） 在繁忙的学习工作中，适时读一些幽默笑话，放松自己，劳逸结合十分重要。下面是我为你整理的几则英语幽默精彩段子，让你笑到停不下来!!! 英语幽默笑话 篇1 一、我是单身汉 Jack feell off his bicycle and got hurt.A beautiful young nurse asked him to fill forms.Jack finished them and gave them back."Anything else?" The nurse asked."Yes,"Jack thinks for a while and said,"I'm a bachelor." 杰克骑车摔伤,得住院治疗.一位年轻美貌的护士拿着表格让填.仞杰克填好递上表格"还有什么漏填的?"护士问."有!"杰克想了想说,"我是个单身汉." 二、死于肝癌的人100%都吃饭 Wife:You see.According to te statistics on the paper 80% of those who have died of liver cancer have drunk alcoho. Husband:It's okey.To my investigation,all Thespeopleeat meals. 妻子：你看这张报纸,据统计,死于肝癌的人80%都是喝酒的. 丈夫：那有什么?据我调查,死于肝癌的人100%都吃饭的. 三、位置上的冰激凌 "Excuse me,but the seat you've taken is mine." "Yours?Can you prove it?" "Yes,I put a cup of ice cream on it." "请原谅,你占了我的位置." "你的位置?你能征明这点吗?" "能,我在位置上放了杯 冰激凌." 四、别无选择 One day,Eve asked Adam,"Doyou really love me?" Adam said helplessly,"Do I have any other choice?" 一天,夏娃问亚当："你当真爱我吗?" 亚当无可奈何地回答："我还有的选择吗?" 五 、 两个男孩 Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room. The teacher says,"Why are you arguing?" One boy answers,"We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie." "You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher,"When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was." The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher. 当老师走进教室时,两个男孩在争论. 老师是说：你们在争论什么? 一个男孩回答：‘我们捡到一张10块,我们决定把它给一个说最大的谎的人.’ ‘你们应该觉得羞耻’老师说,‘当我像你们那么大的时候,我连什么是说谎都不知道.’ 两个男孩把钱给了那个老师. 六、两只鸟 Teacher:Here are two birds,one is a swallow,the other is sparrow.Now who can tell us which is which? Student:I cannot point out but I know the answer. Teacher:Please tell us. Student:The swallow is beside the sparrow and the sparrow is beside the swallow. 老师：这儿有两只鸟,一只是麻雀.谁能指出哪只是燕子,哪只是麻雀吗? 学生：我指不出,但我知道答案. 老师：请说说看. 学生：燕子旁边的`就是麻雀,麻雀旁边的就是燕子. 七、鱼网 "Can you tell me what fish net is made,Ann?" "A lot of little holes tied together with strings." replied the little girl. "你能告诉我鱼网是什么做的吗," 老师发问道. "把许多小孔用绳子栓在一起就成了鱼网了." 小女孩回答道. 八、他赢了 Tommy:How is your little brother,Johnny?Johnny:He is ill in bed.He hurt himself. Tommy:That's too bad.How did that happen? Johnny:We played who could lean furthest out of the window,and he won. 汤姆：约翰尼,你小弟弟好吗? 约翰尼：他害病卧床了.他受了伤. 汤姆：真糟糕,怎么回事儿? 约翰尼：我们做游戏,看谁能把身子探出窗外最远,他赢了. 选我吧 英语幽默笑话 篇2 心不在焉的老师 An Absent Minded ProfessorA notoriously absentminded professor was one day observed walking along the street with one foot continually in the gutter，the other on the pavement. A pupil meeting him said： “Good evening，professor.How are you? “Well，” answered the professor，“I thought I was all right when I left home，but now I don't know what's the matter with me.I've been limping for the last half hour.” 有一天，人们看见一个有名的心不在焉的老师在路上走，他的一只脚一直踏在街沟里，另一只脚踩在人行道上。 一个碰见他的学生说： “晚安，老师。您怎么了?” “啊，”这位老师回答说：“我想我离开家的时候还挺好的，可是现在我不知道出了什么毛病。我已经一瘸一拐走了半个小时了。” 英语幽默笑话 篇3 谁的儿子最伟大 The mothers of four priests got together and were discussing their sons. "My son is a monsignor," said the first proud woman. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Monsignor'." The second mother went on, "My son is a bishop. When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Excellency'." "My son is a cardinal." continued the next one. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Hello, Your Eminence'. " The fourth mother thought for a moment. "My son is six-foot-ten and weighs 300 pounds, " she said. "When he enters a room, people say, 'Oh, my God'!" 四位牧师的母亲聚到一起谈论她们的儿子。“我的儿子是个教士，”第一位母亲自豪地说道，“他进入房间，人们都说，‘您好，阁下’。” 第二为母亲说：“我的儿子是位主教。他进入房间，人们都称，‘您好，大人’。” “我的儿子是位红衣主教，”第三位母亲接着说，“他走进房间，人们都说，‘您好，尊敬的主教大人’。” 第四位母亲略思片刻。“我的儿子身高六英尺十，体重三百磅，”她说，“他要是走入房间，人们都说‘哦，我的上帝’!” 英语幽默笑话 篇4 为什么六怕七呢? Q: Why was six scared of seven? A: Because seven "ate" nine. 问题：为什么六怕七呢? 回答：因为七连九都能吃掉呢! (笑点：本应该是seven eight nine, 但是利用了发音相同，将eight用ate(吃)替换掉了。) 英语幽默笑话 篇6 用“beans(豆子)”造句 A teacher asked her students to use the word "beans" in a sentence. "My father grows beans," said one girl. "My mother cooks beans," said a boy. A third student spoke up, "We are all human beans." 一名老师让学生们利用单词“beans(豆子)”造句，其中一个女孩说“我爸爸种豆子”。另外一个同学说“我妈妈炒豆子”。第三名学生说“我们是人类”。 (笑点：老师让用的单词是beans，豆子的意思，结果，第三个学生将beings 和 beans 搞混了，因为发音相同。) 英语幽默笑话 篇7 两块蛋糕 Tom: Mom, can I have two pieces of cake, please? Mom: Certainly -- take this piece and cut it two! 汤姆：妈妈，我可以吃两块蛋糕吗? 妈妈：当然可以----拿这块蛋糕把它切成两块吧! 英语幽默笑话 篇8 一分一块钱 A dollar per point A professor was giving a big test one day to his students. He handed out all of the tests and went back to his desk to wait. Once the test was over the students all handed the tests back in. The professor noticed that one of the students had attached a $100 bill to his test with a note saying "A dollar per point." The next class the professor handed the tests back out. This student got back his test and $64 change. 一天，教授正在给学生们监考。他发下试卷，然后回到讲台前等待。 考试结束了，学生们纷纷交回试卷。教授发现一张试卷上别着一张百元钞票，还有一张纸条写着：“一分一块钱。” 第二堂课，教授把试卷都发回学生们手中。其中一个学生不但得到了试卷还得到64块钱的找零。 英语幽默笑话 篇9 Eating out 外出就餐 When the bill arrives ,Mark, Chris ,Eric and Tom will each throw in a $20,even though it's only for $32.50. None of them will have anything smaller and none will actually admit they want change back. When the women get their bill , out come the pocket calculators. 买单的时候，阿麦，阿克、阿力和阿汤每人都甩出20块钱，虽然其实一共只吃了32块50没人有更小的票子了，也没人愿意承认他们其实想把票子破开。女人买单时，每人掏出个计算器。 英语幽默笑话 篇10 卷烟厂都失火 Mary was so disgusted at her husband's cigarette smoking that she complained to him one day.‘I hope that all the cigarette factories will catch fire someday .’‘Don't worry ,dear. All the cigarettes will be on fire sooner or later .’He said with a smile. 玛丽非常讨厌丈夫吸烟，一天她对丈夫抱怨说：“我希望有一天所有卷烟厂都失火。”“不用担心，亲爱的，所有的烟卷迟早都会点着的。”他笑着说。 英语幽默笑话 篇11 成年人的抉择 The year before my son turned 18, he constantly pleaded to be allowed to a have tattoo, but I refused to sign permission for one.He argued that soon he would be a man and he should be able to make adult decisions. Sure enough,a few days after his 18th birthday,he come home with a tattoo. Although l was not happy about this, I was curious to see what symbol of masculin', he had chosen. There, on his shoulder,was a two inch image of Mickey Mouse. 我儿子十八岁前的那一年，常常向我提出准许他文身。但我拒绝允许他这么做。他争辩说他不久就要成为男子汉了，并说他应该能够做出成年人的抉择了。果然，十八岁生日的几天后，他文了身，回到家里。尽管我对此感到不高兴，但出于好奇，我想看看他选择了什么雄性象征物。原来他在肩上文了一个两英寸长的米老鼠像。 英语幽默笑话 篇12 和上帝对话 He says: "God,what is a million dollars to you?"and God says: "A penny,then the man says: "God,what is a million years to you?”and God says: ¨a second", then the man says: “God,can I have a penny ?"and God says:"In a second." 他问：“主啊，一百万美元对你意味着多少?”上帝回答：¨一便士。” 男子又问：“那一百万年呢，?”上帝说：“一秒钟。”最后男子请求道：”上帝，我能得到一便士吗?“上帝回答：“过一秒钟。” 英语幽默笑话 篇13 可以借用一下吗 Are you using your mower this afternoon? 今天下午你准备用割草机吗? Mr. Johnson:Are you using your mower this afternoon? 约翰逊先生：今天下午你准备用割草机吗? Mr. Smith.Yes. 史密斯先生：是的。 Mr. Johnson: Fine. Then can I borrow your tennis racket, since you won't be needing it ? 约翰逊先生：太好了。既然您不用网球拍，那我可以借用一下吗? 英语幽默笑话 篇14 妈妈不见了 A little girl was lost, so she went up to a policeman and said, "l've lost my moml" The cop said,"What's she like?" The little girl replied,"Shopping and gossiping!” 有一个小女孩走丢了，于是她走到一个警察跟前说：“我妈妈不见了!”这个警察说：“她什么样子?”小女孩回答：“买东西和说闲话!” 英语幽默笑话 篇15 Get the kid A bit of advice for those about to retire. lf you are only 65,never move to ansrUrement community. Everybody else is in their 71s, 80s,or 90s. So when something has to be moved, lifted or loaded,they yell,"Get the kid. 这里想对将要退休的人提一点忠告。如果你只有65岁的话，千万别进退休社区。因为那里的人都七八十岁或者八九十岁了。每当要搬东西，抬东西或者装东西时，他们会喊，“让小的干吧。 ;
